Proust Questionnaire - Bill Santiago

According to this verbally nimble comic, we’re either going through a “cerebral recession or a renaissance of stupidity.” Either way, his satiric observations thankfully buck the trend. This month, as his latest live performance at the Herbst Theatre airs on Bay Area radio, Bill Santiago steps out from behind the microphone to quip about the perils of being objectified, second thoughts on close encounters and the expediency of deceit.

What is your current state of mind?

Post-coital.

What do you consider your greatest claim to fame?

Anonymity.

What is your greatest regret?

Successfully resisting alien abduction.

Do you have a clear conscience?

No, thank God. Nothing is as disturbing as a clear conscience.

How would you like to die?

In someone else’s sleep.

What is your motto?

Start procrastinating now.

Who is your favorite author?

Tie between James Joyce, and whoever wrote “James Joyce for Dummies.”

What is your greatest fear?

Temp to perm.

What word or phrase do you most overuse?

No, I’m sorry, Mr. Santiago isn’t home right now. Can I take a message?

How do you relax?

Curling up with a good book, or a well-read woman.

What trait do you most look for in a woman?

Incompatibility.

What trait do you look for most in a man?

A sister.

When and where were you happiest?

Sometime in the recent future.

What is your most treasured possession?

An overdue library book, valued at $2,500 in fines.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Bill Clinton.

Would you say you’re more spiritual or materialistic?

Spiritually, I’m very materialistic.

What is it you most dislike about your appearance?

That people don’t respect me for my mind.

On what occasions do you lie?

Only when absolutely convenient.