6-10-05 – COLUMN KICKOFF

the column thing with mother jones is working out. First one is about to be published online and it was very fun to do and it feels like a working relationship that could go somewhere.

The editor, by the way, loved the title I suggested, which was a very good sign to me. I was hesitant about even mentioning it, but am so glad that I did.

We’re going with: “Children of a Lesser Prefrontalasaurus”

I was working on the column while I was out performing in reno, and it struck me as very strange that I was up there in the hotel room, writing a piece that most of the people downstairs gambling till dawn will probably never read. at least not the woman with the tattoo on her breast that said, ‘paid for by Frank.’

5-12-05- SAN FRANCISCO – SKIRT AND STUBBLE

tonight at the ‘writers with drinks’ event at the makeout room.

ok, so charlie. i was told, when i got there, to look for charlie-girl, in a blue tight leather skirt.

i found the skirt and it was being worn by a he. and i thought i should have known, the second i heard charlie-girl. if you have to mention girl, it's because she's not one. and he was wearing ripped purple fishnets, and a blonde wig and rouge and looking about as manly as you can under the circumstances, although everyone has their own definition of girl.

so, the show, is going well. the audience is really digging my set and laughing, and i am on a roll and charlie had given me a very nice and very funny intro. so i am very relaxed and lulled into a comfort zone.

But then charlie comes by to adjust the reverb on the sound system. and i see him and casually tell the audience that we – charlie and I - had been emailing and i didn't know till tonight that he wasn't a he, and i go into -- i should have known if they have to mention 'girl...'

there was an audible, collective and unanimous gasp. and charlie was off in the corner also in a gasp seizure of some sort. and i'm on stage, getting that familiar feeling of, ‘jeez, there's no getting back is there? no way out of this one.’

totally stopped the show dead.

Now, mind you, here's the kind of literary gathering it was. when i walk in i hear from the stage: "My next poem is titled 'To My Future Rapist.' "

and the poetess proceeded to read the ode to her assailant-to-be. whoever it turns out to be, i'm sure he'll be surprised that she took the trouble to compose a few verses beforehand for the occasion. it's almost romantic. i know if i were a rapist, i'd be especially touched. i mean, at the very least, it's got to be a first.

anyway, there i am on stage, thinking, well, this certainly has been an interesting week of performances, and what a note to end on. stares. i did manage to pull off a laugh to end on as a quasi-professional redemption.

and some folks did make a point to say they enjoyed it very much and not to worry about the overly sensitive types, meaning everybody else.

i tried to say to charlie afterwards, hey no offense. and he said no problem. but i didn't look like he meant it.

April 23 2005 – red poppy art house – San Francisco – spanglish 101 workshop performance. – LITTLE WINCE IS HUGE

God it was good tonight. I mean it just clicked and I was in my element. Intimate. Very intimate. 35. but a good bunch. It was such a focused experience because they were really there to help me workshop, collaborating just by being there and being so into it and being so receptive and listening the whole time!

OH I HAD ONE GREAT MOMENT TONIGHT WHEN I DID THE PUERTO RICO BECOMING A STATE/TYPICAL U.S. REACTION – LINE.

I did a little wince, and held it, longer that I usually do, ever have and that extended wince, got such a huge laugh, and became its own beat, and it is a keeper for sure.

And there it was in the same line I’ve been doing over and over and suddenly just because I angled the delivery ever so slightly and felt the crowd wanting me to hold it, that wince, that facial expression, that thought and beat, I squeezed out a whole new moment and laugh for the show. It’s funny to me that as slow as the evolution and distillation process is, that something like that can be so exciting.

Sent: Sunday, April 17, 2005 6:54 PM
Subject: Re: rocks hearts wrong city
lorraine,

just walked in through the door and plugged in. and i am suffering from post-road-trip depression. it's come on strong and suddenly. first of all i am afraid i am in the wrong city. i should be in chicago. what am i doing here in san Francisco? my heart isn't here. She is not here. and this studio without a view, hurts my eyes, after feasting on the wide open west in new mexico and colorado - i went skiing in vail! - and utah, where i clambered up to the tops of fiery totem-like rock formations towering in the red canyon and peered into the craggy jagged carvings of bryce canyon and drove the winding path in the post-sunset darkness of zion national park – imagine, the most spectacular of all and it was just shadows and silhouhettes with a few stars blinking into place as it got darker .

i stopped at the side of the road along the way back through utah and was so drawn to the precarious glowing slabs of stone piled high, i locked the car and started climbing and pretty soon it's getting more difficult and you are starting to worry about how you are ever going to get down. when i was a kid i would climb trees so high that i would have to cry for my dad to come get me down. and i was getting that feeling again.

there was one little spot where it was iffy and if the if was not on your side, you go slidding into and flush down a funnel to nowhere. but i trodded carefully and clung fast and at the top, god, i made it all the way to the top, there were views in every direction, more red rocks across the way, snow peaks tward of bryce canyon and there wasthe flat valley that went on forever in the opposite direction and it gave you the feeling that you were looking at, standing in, the circle of all existence. that you were in the epicenter of all that was or all there ever had to be or for you to ever worry about. and the earth up there, the ground was deep red, but loose and crumbly like it had been slightly moist just a day ago.

and you feel, i felt, such a connection. as if i had been molded of that very stuff and it's so easy to see where the legends come from. they burst fully formed into your imagination from the very ground you walk on and the clouds you cycle through your lungs. and it was me there trying to be in the moment and memorize the panorama, taking it in, storing the contours and the colors and their affect on me. trying to hold on to the soaring inspiration of being up there alone and alive.

i slept in the car a few nights, which made the hotel stays that much more glorious. sleeping in the car saves a little money but it takes its toll. everything was taking its toll. i fell so many times while i was skiing that after a while i wasn't even trying to stop the fall. as along as i got down the hill, it didn't matter how. that became my new goal.

April 14th Eastern New Mexico University – SHOW ME THE ETHNIC PROFILING MONEY!

8 A.M. FEELING GOOD, rested, finally, and happy that the gig went so well.

I am back on the college mission. Also, so many gigs have fallen into place. Even though

I am out of phone range, damn Nextel!, I have been able to get some great bookings

Dartmouth came through, got a noon gig in sacramento on cinco de mayo – big day for latino comics! But who’s going to turn down the ethnic profiling money? – and I got Utah the week before Minneapolis and Jeff Cheddy of Brillstein and Grey, reviewed my package and wants to meet in LA.

It all has to do with the conditioning of the mind, the striving for alignment and faith and the re-alignment of my thinking.

It’s such a constant undertaking, to stay mentally on track and not let things throw you. There are so many moments, when some news or thought sneaks up behind me and kicks me in the back of the psychological knees and I have to be on guard so that I don’t fall.

Where to next?

I have a few days, a little money left in the bank, and it just snowed in Colorado with three days of skiing left in Vail.

April 9th – Modesto, CA. -- GOD AND SODOMY IN MODESTO

Last night in modesto – water wealth contentment and health – after the show a guy comes up to me and says he’s seen a lot of comedy and just thought I had the best material. It was a very unusually attentive crowd. And then he asked me about Puerto Rico, whether I knew the politics there. I said yes. He asked about the independence movement. And he said that Puerto Rico should absolutely be independent, that he believes in independence and in fact is a member of League of the South, a southern independence movement of states looking to secede and form a confederacy. They guy’s never gotten over the civil war. And I asked him whether there was a racial component because that was always going to be the first assumption and how did he answer that. And he said that there is no racial component. “All those issues were resolved a long time ago. This is about social issues. Like that supreme court ruling in Texas.” He was talking about the sodomy ruling. I said you want to secede over sodomy? And his wife was there, Nicole. I remember her name. She was very beautiful and reminded me of one of my brother’s ex girlfriends. Only more beautiful and she was wanting to dance with me and grinding coquettishly. And I asked him, you’ve never committed sodomy with your wife? And he looked at me and said, “God created one perfect hole.”

And I thought, I can’t believe I am having this conversation. He said it with so much conviction and it sounded like the best argument for heterosexuality I’ve ever heard. How do you counter something like that? I had no anal rebuttal. It sounded so biblical, like the name of a sermon you’ll never hear in church. “God created one perfect…” Almost like a commandment. “Thou shalt worship no other holes but the one perfect hole”

I thought only in modesto. A pro-independence, anti-anal activist. Anti sodomy but he wants to liberate the south. Wants to liberate the south geographically, not anatomically..

3-12-05 – NEW YORK CITY - BLIP LONG AND PROSPER

last night. snow flakes. biggest I recall ever seeing. all gone this morning. and i hear the melting water trickling off the roof tops and feel a very strong sun filtering through the drapes and reminding me i didn't get enough sleep.

life life life. blips really. blip expectancy. we should talk bout what our blip expectancy is, really. less deceptive than life expectancy.

you can expect to live a long blip!

ohhh i'm sorry that's a very short blip line you've got on your palm there. not good…

3-11-05 – 4 P.M. NYC – WELL, EXUUUUUUSE ME!

went out to mail something to HBO (not my cable bill) and pick up some dry cleaning.

And a pigeon crapped on my head.

3-9-05 – WILLIAM AND BILL – ONE AND THE SAME -

Just spent 45 minutes on the phone with expedia -- apparently it's a global company staffed by one guy. you would not believe how ridiculous it has been trying to register some of these miles!
then I call united and the woman says that because my name is William on the frequent flyer account but the name on the ticket is Bill, the computer won't accept it and i am going to have to send in a copy of the itinerary, plus supporting documentation, to prove that I, the william and bill that i am claiming to be, are one and the same.

i asked for a supervisor and explained to him that this is the worst phone purgatory i've been condemned to in a long time and he said that he thanked me for my patience and that he recognized that names like bob and robert and the like were common nicknames names and that he would go ahead and change the record so that i could get my miles award.

mind you that this only for one leg the trip.

2-12-05 CHOCOLATE BY THE BAY
----- Original Message -----
From: bill santiago
Sent: Saturday, February 12, 2005 9:40 AM
Subject: chocolate chip
i'm here and it's a good feeling. when i got to the BART platform in Oakland to take the train into the city - just $5.25 from the airport to my door including bus fare! - the air was filled with the smell of chocolate chip cookies. there must be a factory some where near there or it's just my mind playing tricks on me, so happy am i to be back, that to me that's what the air in california smells like - chocolate chip cookies.

NEW YORK – 2-10-05 – LITTLE PEOPLE’S ASSOCIATON

speaking of any situation, i just did a show for the LPA, Little People's Association of America. "the only thing you can't say during the show is 'midget,' " i was told by the club manager. “that's like the word 'nigger' to them.”

i don't see how that can be, myself. i don't recall any a civil war being fought over midget slavery and i don't remember the midget plight begetting any particularly good music.

NEW YORK – 2-8-05 – REALLY ME ON CD?

Finally listened to a CD i recorded like two years ago in Minneapolis.

i hadn't heard it before – and i'm listening, thinking, "this guy's pretty damn good."

very professional recording that I did while working with Lewis Black, who was recording his new CD for Comedy Central at ACME Comedy Club. i was able to use the same equipment he did, since it was already set, and for a fraction of the cost.

there was flow, the audience was with me, i was challenging and smart and scoring some laughs with material that had a very high degree of difficulty and integrity.

and you realize that slogging though the clubs in new york trying to connect with drunks at 2 am can damage your comedic instrument!

shouldn't lose sight of what i can do and what i should be doing.

1-17-05 – NEW YORK – BEHAVIORAL SCIENCE PELLETS

Alissa was explaining that in the behavioral science, there is something called intermittent reinforcement where a rat will persistently try to get a pellet as a reward for a task if it gets that pellet every so often, but not all the time.

if it never gets a pellet, there is no reward and it will never try again.

if it gets a pellet all the time, it will grow bored and give up as well.

but if it gets a pellet unpredictably every so often, it is compelled to
continue trying and trying forever.

that's what standup comedy is like. and i got my pellet tonight.

walked to the subway in the snow and it was beautiful and I was feeling very good

JAN. 9 2005 – STANDUP NEW YORK - “HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR JOE SANTIAGO…”

It was such an easy beautifuI Sunday crowd set. The club was half empty. But the folks that were there were there to be entertained and I love watching them go from, yeah, who is this guy? to -- oh, he’s the real deal, and then having them love you and not wanting you to leave. I don’t want to leave either. I tell them, wish I had more time, but I am getting the light and have to get out of here and they go “Awwwww, no….” and it’s heartfelt and very heartening.

I have to keep reminding myself how long it’s taken – years! – to be able to do that so reliably. And what an accomplishment that is.

Afterward the MC, came up and said, “How about a hand for Joe Santiago”

I think that’s about as far as you can get from being a household name, when the guy who has the names on a list, who has introduced you, and has just heard me tell the crowd my name one more time so that they’ll keep an eye out for me in the future, and who gets paid to say my name correctly, and he screws it up.

12-10-04 – SANTA’S LITTLE HECKLERS

I heard $900 and couldn’t say no, even though the word Modesto was also mentioned.

It was a “corporate” gig at a restaurant in Santa Nella, about an hour south of modesto, on I-5, and had a huge light- bedecked windmill on the outside of it. Which at least helped me to see it from the highway through the thick fog that had settled in as night fell.

I got heckled, first off, at a Christmas party. One of the employees and guests at the party started to yell in a very hostile and incomprehensible manner and I didn’t want to take him down the way I would in a club and my more subtle tactics weren’t working.

The company boss had to go over and shut him down.

Also the sound system nearly deafened the audience when some extreme feedback blasted from the speakers as the engineer turned it on.

It was an agricultural packing company. Peaches and Tomatoes. Thank god they had packed them all or they might have thrown some.

Also, the sound engineer’s phone went off twice. And when I mentioned politics, the room went silent! And when I mentioned sex they were too inhibited to laugh. And of course the smart stuff was a bit too hard for them to follow. And the Latino stuff left half the room out of the joke.

Still a bit bruised by the conversation with TV folks yesterday.

12-9-04 – SAN FRANCISCO – BREATHALYZER BILL BUSTS A BAD SALSA MOVE

Maria called and asked me to go salsa dancing up in SF. couldn’t resist, even though I was playing down in Sunnyvale and had a room down there at the hotel.

So I go, have a wonderful time and on the way back

I am driving through thick fog, and am having a tough time, really, and of course I got the ole flashing gumball machine in the rearview and got stopped by two cops.

Oh, I immediately turned off the salsa in the car-- ruben blades – on the stereo. And tried to sober up.

So many questions. The cops said I was weaving. I said I was tired. He said he smelled alcohol.

I said I had had one vodka tonic hours ago, heavy on the tonic.

He did the eyeball following the eraser test. I followed, boy, for my dear life. MOVE YOU

FUCKING EYEBALL!

GOD, I was so thinking I was snagged.

They were about to let me go and said that all I had to do was tell them a joke -- I had told them I was from the comedy club, etc.

But then like an idiot, I didn’t tell them a joke, saying I only do that when on stage, but they could come down to the club and check out the show, and then the cop had a change of heart and asked me to step out of the car.

They did the eraser test again, Asked me to stand on one foot and count one one-thousand, two-one-thousand (I GOT TO 24-ONE THOUSAND!!! BEFOR HE ASKED ME TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND I FELT SO PROUD. LIKE YEA MOTHERFUCKER. I GOT BALANCE!)

And he asked me to close my eyes. Lean my head back and count to thirty in my head to see if I could estimate the time. I did so perfectly.

They asked me a list of questions?! Where I was going? whose car? did I have any medical conditions? when I had my last drink? when was the last time I had something to eat? I said I had just finished the box of crackers in the car – true. And had had sushi for dinner – not true

I said something in Spanish, which probably sounded drunk and they pulled out the breathalyzer, asked if would take it. what could I say. I blew? but holding back. It’s weird because in your mind you are trying to blow but simultaneously suck back the alcohol in your breath!

Anyway then he said I should take my two fingers and squeeze them like a scope of a gun to frame the light of a street lamp he was pointing to in the distance. I did. Concentrating. and he said, that’s how close you are to going to jail.

I’m like -- fuck!

Then he said, they said, take the next exit, stop at denny’s, take nap in the parking lot or get some coffee.

I slept there for two hours and just got back into the hotel.

No ticket!!!! Still alive thank god.

Never make that mistake again.

All in all It was a very weird day. Also Alissa’s purse got stolen in Minneapolis and I had to cancel the checks I gave her.

12-09-04 – UNCLE MILTY DREAM

Oh had a dream this morning with Milton Berle – he had seen one of my shows, was in the audience and loved it and we met afterwards and I helped him out of the club., He was frail and when I touched him he actually shrank to the size of a little doll and almost disappeared. But I was able to help him regain normal size and walk slowly outside and he told me he loved what I
did.

12-8-04 – SAN FRANCISCO - SHAMPOO, TASTE, DON’T REPEAT EVER AGAIN

after the show at Cobb’s I went to see Maria and I went to the fridge for a little juice, saw a bottle in there that said Hibiscus Cooler. I poured, had a sip, notice the strange taste immediately and instantly realized I was drinking her home-made shampoo.

12-4-04 LA "THANKS FOR REPRESENTING YOUR PEOPLE"

not a total disaster. That’s the review from my point of view.

What worked: the bit about realizing when I move to Puerto Rico, that I’m not dysfunctional, I’m tropical, really worked superbly! And so did the line about my mom: winning the miss five bouroughs. Not burros. Burroughs. Great big easy laughs and what I loved is that it’s timeless biographical stuff that I can use forever and that helps to carve out my history and family on stage, helps define my persona and the audience hooks into my personal story, the lines advance my personal story. One hard-won line at a time.

Theater folks, though, don’t always appreciate the art of standup, as an art.

I felt like I suddenly realized I was performing at a poetry café. Only it was worse because the audience had just sat through 45 minutes of a dance piece, plus an intermission.

And then I showed that video, which seemed to take for ever and there were no laughs in the audience to it and I thought it was hilarious and I remember how much peole were laughing last time I showed it, at the extreme condescension of Lou Dobb’s toward Jorge Ramos. But here, it had no effect, except to put a painful drag on the start. Then I come on stage and take the time to spread out my notes, as I always do successfully at La Pena, and then it just, it was just practically over by the time I opened my mouth. But I didn’t know it till I did and felt the total lack of energy for what I was bringing.

It was the kind of audience where afterwards the comments range from "thanks
for representing your people" to "hey, very well composed".

Makes you yearn for a good ole, "fuckin funny, dude. almost peed in my
pants!"

It was a very good visit and stay in Little Tokyo, though. I love the people here and the feel and this part of LA and the sushi! Sushi! Sushi! And I want to learn Japanese.

I noticed on a Japanese soap opera today that all of a sudden they broke out singing happy birthday – in English – and then went right back to Japanese. And I thought that is something – I may be able to learn this after all.

11-29-04 Ha Café, NYC. UNSOLVED CASE OF THE MISSING KITTY

Second set, I bring my notes with me on stage and I can sense the big, “Uh Oh, this guy needs his crib sheet,” from them. So things are not igniting and I am trying to talk to them. The commandment joke hit home, got the laugh and I tried to ride it but then on the next bit, the waitress came in to attend to the back row of ladies, middle-aged women from Canada out for a night on the town, while their husbands are off hunting somewhere. Anyway I lost their attention and they were the core of the crowd.

So I turn to a couple at another table, asked them if they had cats and they said yes -- used to. “Had to take him for a ride and drop him off in the woods…” AND I WAS APPALLED!

And we went into it. And got some great laughs out of their animal cruelty. I spent the whole set grilling them on their inhuman kitty-ditching ways. And they said that they got rid of it after they had their baby, Mia. And I mentioned that Mia, sounds suspiciously a lot like Meow, and the audience is howling and the whole set turned into a riff on them and their pet/baby issues and I got the light and said I didn’t really know how to end it, and a lady shouts out, “Cat Killers!” and I said,”Perfect,” and got off.


11-12-04 – ha – ha – laugh lounge – 11:50 – NOTABLE NOTES

broke new ground at laugh lounge: after the set, which went very well, I pulled out some notes from my pocket, napkins, said I was going to try out some new stuff.

Told them the show’s over, by the way, this is extra, just some thoughts I’m working out.

AND THEY WERE SO INTO IT.

I was elated.

First new one was a joke that I wrote down upstairs just before going on, at the bar.

About how many different minorities there are. Midgets are a minority, a small one….
But it would be weird if midgets were the majority. Because first of all they wouldn’t be called midgets, they’d be normal, and we’d be called overgrowns.

Got a good laugh, and confirmed the comedy axiom – midgets are funny.

I wound it up by pretending that the hammock joke was a new one, faked reading it from my notes, got off on a laugh and one woman gave me a standing O.

Ready for comic strip tomorrow, Montreal audition, but need a haircut.

One-hour 15 min. swim today.

Sent: 11-4-04, 9:01 AM ELECTIONS HAPPENS

thurs. morning. election malaise is clouding my thoughts and my sense of this life. i can't believe i had enough innocence left to be upset at all by the fact this is happening. civilizations, after all, all go to hell sooner or later. and people are either rotten or stupid or both, more often than not.

10-31-04 HALLOWEEN. MADISON, WISCONSIN "CHEESE! WE WANT CHEESE!"

I felt a little iffy about it going in. Well, it was the way the organizers put it. “We want you to fold your magic into the event and collaborate with the collective
unconsious of the crowd for a peak experience."

But I asked them how much it paid. they told me and i said, that's what i do, collaborate with the collective whatever you said.

So I was in Madison, Wisconsin on Halloween to mc a concert for “the string cheese incident,” a band in the tradition of the grateful dead, playing songs indistinguishible one from the other as background music for their fans’ medicinally-induced altered state.
.
There were 5,000-plus kids there to see the string cheese band and within a minute and a half of my being on stage, all of them were booing and shouting "CHEESE! WE WANT CHEESE!"

Now I had to keep going out there all night to announce things and it just got worse, reaching a peak experience with the costume contest. Note that the producers had distributed 6,000 glow sticks to the crowd, those little rubbery tubes of light, which the collective unconscious realized would make perfect anti-comedian projectiles.

When the band took a break, I go out and announce, "here are the costume contest finalists..." and they don't come out and they don't come out and i'm waiting and nothing and that's when the glow sticks started to be hurled in my direction. so i am getting pelted by these glowsticks and finally the finalists came out and, when the finalists finally showed up on stage, i had to conduct the rest of the contest with my back to the crowd so i wouldn’t get an eye poked out.

i was being followed by a spotlight, so whenever i moved over to evade the line of fire, i was ok for a second, then the spotlight would find me and the kids would be able to adjust their aim! and there was another hail of glowsticks. you could see them coming at me like tracer bullets.

i finally escaped, ducking behind the first-place winner, who of course was dressed as a giant pot leaf. i got off stage, using a pot leaf as a human shield to save my ass.

total disaster and people back stage were saying to me, 'tough business.' and i'm like, "this is not my business!"

Oh, and the check bounced.

Now, on the flight out gloria steinem was on board, heading out to rally the swing state. she was dressed in leather pants, black. her hair was wispy and she wore dark glasses and was a woman of advanced age but regal and exuded a presence of a life accomplished and a sense of ongoing mission. i recognized her voice. she was talking to a soldier who had just returned from iraq. He was in the national guard and his duty had been extended to 12 months so far and he was going to surprise his mom who was under the impression he'd be spending his leave in germany. another soldier told her that he didn't give a crap who won the election, either way they were still going to be stuck in iraq.

i was impressed by her aura. i would love to reach that point in my life and know that i had accomplished something of some significance or had at least fullfilled some of what i had claimed as my purpose.

there's a line in TS Elliot's play, “MURDER IN THE CATHEDRAL" that reads, " I have therefore only to perfect my will." The line had incredible resonance for me and i have often repeated it as a little mantra to myself, whispered before going to sleep or as I wake.

i feel almost betrayed by my love of words and writing. it only seems to alienate me from the masses, who don't read, who don't appreciate the thought process and indeed embrace a leader who embodies anti-intelectualism to the point of ignorance.

10-28-04 HA - SUNY – HA - SUNY, 7:51 AM

JELLO SHOT PIMP

Oh they would not shut up and right up front and I asked them to keep it down ten times and I was yelling at them and they kept on sucking down their jello shots, this table of drunk women, and then proceeded to make telephone calls while I was talking, on their cell phone. I could not believe how rude!

I handled them well from the stage and it’s funny because people love that kind of a show and appreciate you more than if you had had no interference to deal with and just had a great set, trouble-free. They like to see a comic mix it up, have trouble and deal with it and be clearly victorious.

I guess because it raises the stakes, it’s in the moment and spontaneous and does test your metal and wit and ability to to handle yourself. so it’s almost a sports-like anything can happen situation and you’re the home team they are rooting for.

Afterwards there were many congrats and people going, ‘great show!’

Jose seemed to think I was overreacting, but it frustrates my concentration and I am just pissed that that’s the kind of respect they have for a live performer.

But then I have to remember that it’s really not about me. I am merely there to sell jello shots. It’s really all about the jelly shots. I’m a jello pimp and don’t I forget it.

Afterwards, a woman at the bar introduced herself as a lawyer/ actress/ beginner comic.

And she was dressed in baggy clothes and sort of frumping it up. Then she hands me her postcard. Not biz card. But this postcard of herself as a knockout latina pinup girl. She’s a lawyer, taking all the prudence out of jurisprudence.

Well, it’s 7:51 am. I am going to the airport in a few minutes to fly to Madison for a little madness.

10-27-04 – university of texas, dallas – WIFE-SWAPPING-ECLIPSE-TEXAS STYLE

I ASKED THEM, “ I know this is texas, so where are my republicans?” and there were about two hundred kids in that pub. And not one person raised their hands and I was as stunned as they were. Big laugh. Big lesson. Quite the moment. Then I turned it around with the idiot joke and they loved it, actually asked me to do more. “talk some more about the republicans!” one kid shouted.

It went so well and I was so happy about it. It was such a validation, you know. I’m up there thinking, see, if the crowd is bright and the situation is set up right, professionally with a stage –and a bar - i can kill. There is a crowd for what I do.

And anyone who doubts it can go to hell.

I get so angry at being sent to do lousy noontime cafeteria community college in the mall gigs for retards and then getting told that my performance ‘was not well received.’

I’m the guy out there with the talent and the guy doing what no one in that office can do. So let’s get that straight and not talk to me like I am dirt.

I need to be playing for colleges with higher SAT admission scores, that’s all.

Really, the UT Dallas kids were so smart and it was encouraging and restored some faith to me about the country.

Meanwhile, the red sox were winning the world series, breaking the curse, during a lunar eclipse and the first episode of ‘Wife Swapping.’ And I’m in texas with hundreds of students who hate bush.

Freaky night.

Sent: 10-26-04, 2:40 AM

Subject: Re: nap please

Doing my rounds in the city that never sleeps.

yes never sleeps. but the problem is that you never do either, whether you want to or not. they make it sound so great. it's the city of sleep deprivation, but that wouldn't sound as good as a slogan. the city of zombies! city of the undead!

10-26-04 – HA CAFÉ – CELLAR - PLEASE STAY

Cellar – went great. There were only a few people left and two of them were going to bolt and I mentioned it when I saw it in their eyes and then they stayed; the guy who was itching to get out stayed with his girl who was doing her best to be polite and smile and in the end it came together. And I thanked him afterward for staying and he shook my hand when it was all over and said, nice set.

Small victory, hard won.

From: "lorraine blasor"
To: "bill santiago"
Sent: 10-25-04, 5:45 PM
Subject: will

> william, doubt will always be there....it's part of the package; but even with
> it lurking around ready to pounce on you at the most unexpected moment, you
> must not doubt your calling, now, that is, now that you are doing this and
> living the mad life of the stand up comic....but it's ok to doubt,
> it's as natural as breathing, after all....go ahead,doubt, but
> always believe in yourself, too; i know, it's crazy, but success depends so
> much on the will so you have to constantly prod that little motor up there
> in the brain that motivates us to strive for the impossible; I WILL......
> you can do it; you are so much better than most comics around; you're smart,
> you're observant, you're thoughtful, witty and hell, your looks aren't bad
> so.....i don't mind at all your telling me about your fears and worries; i just want you to > be strong and believe in yourself,in your God-given talent and the joy you give people > when you are at your best

> much love, lorraine

10-25-04 – NYC - BEATS A CUBICLE

Saturday was unbelievable.

So needed. So reassuring and emboldening.

I was on my game. Not every show. But there were seven. Only one of which was sort of a dud.

And there was a momentum that carried throughout the night. I was a pro, racing around the city to meet the folks and entertain them. And they were in many cases loving me and apart from the money and the career and the maddening ambition that was why I got into this for, the opportunity for that kind of expression and the ability to deploy my craft at that level.

I mean I am doing what I set out to do so long ago. No, the money isn’t there yet and neither is the security in any way. But I am there at the doorstep. More than that I am making the rounds in NY, the city of standup.

I learned so much that night. Leah was with me for the rounds. She went to all the shows. I had asked her to write up a bio for me and I thought seeing me bounce around the city might give her some ideas and also it was just fun to have someone else along to actually see what you are going through on a night like that, how the same material plays in different clubs with different crowds, at different hours, in different parts of the city.

You know, I had never really mentioned a ball game before getting into my material on stage, never talked about a game in progess.

But on sat night, second show at standup ny, I mentioned that the redsox - cardinals first w series game was tied at 7-7 and there was a loud collective gasp from the crowd.

I mean it was so weird to suddenly get a reaction like that from a group, to have them all in the same high emotional state from just mentioning a sports game. It was a lesson I will not soon forget.

I really need to write these entries the night off the gig, next day doesn’t cut it but I am getting home so late. This schedule does kill you.

With the second SUNY set I waited till the end to touch the politics, and when I did the fellow republicans line the place erupted and what a great way to end. I did a little ending joke. I don’t think of bush as an idiot – more as an intellectual celibate.

It was great and when I made it off stage, there was a woman off to the side yelling, ‘gracias!’ So you know that you’ve connected and that your peeps think that you have represented well.

I felt so proud but no time to stand aroud because I had to hit the subway for another set at laugh lounge in the east village in 45 minutes. I was literally getting dizzy and a little nauseous from all the running around.

But hey – it beats the cubicle!!!!

10-22-04 – LAUGH LOUNGE 8:40, STANDUP NY 9:50, LAUGH LOUNGE 10:40, STANDUP NY 11:50

S-T-R-E-T-C-H

It felt so very good to just hear some new words coming out of my mouth on that baseball bit.

And then I went on to talk about seeing the VIAGRA sign on TV behind home plate every time the Yankees were up, mocking their impotence. GOOD laugh.

I can’t even remember the set order because I haven’t been writing them out. I know so many of the transitions that I go up and just try to hit them with everything and switch it up according to what they are going for and what pops into my head.

I had to stretch because the next comic was running late. We are all booked into this jigsaw puzzle of sets around the clubs in NY and if there is a delay, it affects all the comics in all the clubs, it’s like air traffic control.

Heckler hits upper west site, 133 jokes grounded, 140 thousand comics stranded.

10-20-04 – CELLAR, 5:00 AM – SHAKE IT OFF

Well, the Yankees had their ass kicked tonight and so did I.

I am still getting little mentions sent to me from the papers about the performances in San Francisco, mentioning me as an exemplary comic, and here I am fighting for my life against ignorant drunks expecting another def jam

I did meet with the web designer – alfredo – of funk 101 – who designed marga gomez’s site – and I am convinced he can do the job.

Also , spent a little time with mama tonight and had nice meal there. It’s very hard to believe she won’t be there someday and I do know how lucky I am to have that kind of loving friendship with my grandmother.

First thing in the morning I am going to the pool.

A little sleep would be good too and it’s 5 a.m.

10-18-04 NY – ha café – cellar – CLEAR LIQUID MORTALITY

I had three sets. After a very long day. Went to see papi at the veterans hospital. Mami picked me up and it was surprise for him to wake up and see me. he had dozed off as he was getting his chemo treatment, the clear liquid flowing throw a clear plastic tube. It’s such an aggressive and harsh treatment and it looks just like water. He was very glad to see me and we stayed till he was done and then went to the funeral home to pay last respects to Oracio, papi’s friend who had recently died, suddenly. I understand it was from aids. Although some of his family members at the home seemed to think he died from cancer. He was lying there in the casket wearing his sailors cap. Very desiccated. I always knew him as much more of a stout figure. Papi knew him for 40 years. And he was insistent on going to the funeral home to say goodbye to him, which I was very touched to see. You can’t tell with papi sometimes how much he cares about people, or how much he cares about doing the right thing by them. It was very tough for him, and esp. after a chemo treatment, to say goodbye to a friend and stare death in face like that.

10-7-04 – HOPE AT 747 10TH AVENUE

The best thing that happened to me recently, besides the Adirondack chair, was that when I went to help Asia, my little cousin (she’s 8) with her homework at Titi Norma’s House. she greeted me at the door by saying that she had finished reading the book I gave here last time I was there.

A simple children’s book. But she’s got it. She’s smart and is learning and there’s no stopping her. With just some continued attention on my part and guidance and re-enforcement and encouragement, I think she can be saved. She will not end up like her mom, and maybe we finally stop the generational sad endings with that child at least.

10-7-04 CUBAN FOR CONAN

straight thru from Vermont to new york. Left last night at midnight, just before and consuming several six-packs of red bull, and I just made it for the 7 a.m. call at the Conan Show.

The taping went very well. Out on Jones Beach. The idea was a spoof on some show “Pimp Your Ride,” where someone who is driving around a piece of crap car gets an entirely revamped (or pimped out) vehicle. So in this case a Cuban rafter/balsero was asking the reality show host (me) to pimp out his raft.

We shot it on the beach and had a blast doing it, although it was total cliché stereotypes all the way. And they didn’t tell me till the last minute that it had to be all improvised in Spanish.

I had to wear a Guayaberra, of course. And a straw hat, and some great Giorgio sandals, which unfortunately got ruined. and I would have kept them any way if they had let me.

They spent so much money on this, producing these few seconds of video. We went down in a van of about a dozen people, crew, writers, and the two actors, myself included. And we were met there by the other crew and truck which had the raft and other props in it.

It looked hilarious when they were done with it, pimping it out, little sail, boom box radio, blow up captain’s chair, rum bottles, etc.

Hopefully, it will air and I won’t be embarrassed and maybe I’ll get called to do more skits on the show.

And tomorrow I fly to San Francisco.

.
10-5-04 Rochester – GIG NOONMARE TRIFECTA

Community College. Noon Show. And the college is in a Mall!

The three most non-conducive elements for a comedy show – combined.

But it gets worse. They had told me that they wanted me specifically to do the political material.

These kids were not on board with that and I felt so duped into thinking that they were going to enjoy it because that’s what had been requested by the activities organizers.

And when I am going through it and it is just so awful, I begin to think that the reason I got the gig is because I am paying for something I did in a past life. I am paying an old Karmic debt.

Not only were they not getting it, not listening and not enjoying it. At one point someone turned on a radio, loudly, while I was on stage. Well, there was no stage. I was just standing there in the middle of a common space around which they had pushed a few couches together. And then the class bell rang and hundreds of students flooded out of their classes, and it became a mob scene around the perimeter as they shuffled by and, of course, I don’t stand a chance.

The thing is that afterwards, the people who hired you, look at you like it’s your fault!!!!

10-6-04 ADIRONDACK CHAIRVANA

Sat in my first Adirondack chair today. By the edge of a beautiful Adirondack lake.

My god. There’s something to it. That chair is so perfectly designed. Such a good sit. Really. I’ve been sitting all my life, but apparently I’ve been doing it wrong.

There was a seagull bobbing on the water and a sailboat off in the background, but because of their positioning, they both looked about the same exact size.

Later I stopped in at the Vermont Middlebury University and checked out a great Rodin exhibit.

I’d say that his sense of form and shape and understanding of human physiology is rivaled only be whoever came up with that adirodack chair!

lots of phone calls this morning

the paramount producers called –said she doesn’t want to wait for me to do a showcase in LA, wants me to come down asap.

Jose called - he wants me to do a sketch about a Cuban reality show for Conan. Tomorrow morning. Which means, right after the show tonight I have to drive to NY. Because it’s at 7 a.m., and otherwise I’ll never make it.

Simon – a cop/filmmaker from the Cellar called. he wants to know when I’ll be in town because he wants to cast me in a movie he’s making, if the schedules work.

Mimi from NPN called – she wants press materials for dec. 4th.

Crystal from GFI called, might have a corporate gig in Modesto on Dec. 18th. I’ll already be there for the Spaglish 101 thing on the 17th.

Kathleen called from America Federation of Teachers – they are develping a bilingual teaching video/course and want me to somehow be a part of it.

Sheesh, and I barely have time to go over my material for the show tonight. Need Help!

9-24-04 – ILLINOIS – ONE BAD SHINER

You know why I missed the flight? I walk by this shoe-shine stand and thought, “Hmmm. I’ve never had my shoes shined. This would be the perfect time.”

I paid, and took off in my shiny shoes for the gate and see immediately it is much much farther than what I expected and I start running and running and running and turning down corridors and cutting in between the throngs and the shine from my shoes mocking me the whole way and I get to the gate and the door is closed and the plane has pulled away and this is five mintues before the departure time!

United Airlines is cruel. That never happens on Jet Blue. But United is all about the screw you.

I begged and pleaded and nada.

I end up renting a car. Avis gives me directions and tells me it should take about three hours to get there. Great. Except they were off by about four hours. I left at 3 p.m. and got to the gig at 10 pm, seven hours later, driving between 95-100 miles per hour! Except for some traffic spots.

One hour late.

The coordinator told me that I had the distinction of being the only comic to ever be late for one his gigs in the five years he’s been putting them together.

And then the lighting was so bright. They had rented two sets of what looked like baseball stadium lighting units and erected them at either side of the stage and I had never been so blinded on stage and I could not see anyone in the audience.

Of course the next day I had to return the rental car to Chicago, but on the way I called to see if I could get on an earlier flight, and United kindly informed me that I couldn’t fly from Chicago because the itinerary had been priced as a connection from Springfield and if I missed that flight, my flight to NY from Chicago would be cancelled as well. I could fly straight from Chicago, but would have to buy another one-way ticket for $375.

So I had to turn around and drive however many hours back to Springfield, and luckily Avis allowed me to drop off the car there without extra charges.

At the Springfield airport, in another lapse of critical thinking, I left my luggage alone to go to the bathroom. I figured it was a tiny airport and there was no one around, so for a few seconds it was OK.

When I get back my things are surrounded by security officers. The guard tells me,”You know, you’ve broken a federal crime by leaving your things alone. At any other airport, they would have crushed and destroyed all of your things by now and you’d be facing a $50,000 or jail or both.”

I could just picture myself, being arrested for an act of terror and ending up in Guantanamo, and I’d the enemy combatant with the shinest shoes in the place.

9-22-04 – SAN JUAN, PR – WALKING THE STREETS OF SIGNIFICANT OTHER TIME

It has just started raining outside. Tropical rain. Old San Juan. My past. I am living my past, walked right back into it but I am a different person with only traces of my old self.

I am so very proud of everything I have done since I left the island and walking these streets again now I am aware that this city could never contain my ambitions or allow for their realization. But it was a dream well dreamt, my time here. Not always easy.

I have been living a parallel life ever since, one in which an erstwhile significant other has always been there in my imagination sharing it all day by day, the way I would have wished for.

But there is no turning back. Today I’ll meet an old love, an old friend, an enemy, a ghost, a stranger.

9-16-04 – Thursday, DC Improv – EGO-FLATION ALERT

Two for Two. What another great night! I mean it must be the best club in the country, as far as audience response and attendance and ease for the comic. I was great tonight. The MC, again, did a great job of warming them up. Kathleen is a truly wonderful comedian All very well crafted material and delivered so effortlessly. And it all has such broad appeal. I learn a lot from watching her, and hope I too will one day command that kind of audience draw to be able to fill a club for the entire week, sold out beforehand. But I want more. I want them to have to add shows and I want to perform for two hours and no opening act. How’s that??

9-15-04 – Wednesday, DC Improv – REFLECTING ON REFLEXES

It was easy. The show was so good. Sold out on a Wednesday. Kathleen Madigan is the headliner and a lot of the people who are voting for her on that ‘last comic standing’ show, showed up. That exposure is so powerful.

Part of me still feels like I’m on the A-train heading to JFK this morning. I went to bed at 5:30 a.m. and got up at 9:30a.m. And then flew into Dulles.

Kathleen seems nice. I requested to play with her because of all the good things I’ve heard about her. And she is quite good. Used to be a journalist herself, I understand.

Went for a quick run tonight, after the show, at 11 p.m. through Georgetown. And am now half comatose. Think it will be a fine week, after some sleep.

It occurs to me that what new york gives you are the reflexes. Your act gets coded into your being as a reflex. I didn’t really have to prepare tonight and it went so very well. I had it. The game. I am in shape comedically because of all those damn new york sets night after night.

I like featuring for a real strong headliner because they do bring out a great crowd and then I am a bonus to the show.

9-14-04, Tuesday ha – cellar – 1:30 AM – FOR SOMEONE SPEWING LIES

This year half a dozen nyu students have committed suicide jumping out of windows or from the library balcony and the like. They wouldn’t have made it one night as comics. As a comic, the urge to jump is often strong, but the urge to get the audience laughing is always just a wee bit stronger, and, in any case, luckily the stage isn’t all that high.

Tonight it was difficult to feel like a performer, though, in the highest sense of the word, after watching the flamenco dancer juaquin cortez at the city center for an 8 pm show.

He was a phenomenon, blessed and cocky and beautiful and he did inspire awe, for entertainment and the human body as a vehicle of expression.

It wasn’t easy getting on stage myself afterwards and trying to get a few chuckles and not feeling a little less than.

Someone handed me a copy of a review that came out about the Town Hall political show, which began: “Bill Santiago was pretty funny for someone spewing lies.”

The reviewer said I had the audience roaring, which was an example of leftist obliviousness.

She also said I was too loud. Which bothered me because that was probably true.

9-12-04 – New York – Gotham - SING YOU DAMN FRONG!

Blew the smiley audition at gotham, then had the best set ever at the cellar! Jesus!!

I mean what do I have to do to make it work when I want it to work.

I felt like that cartoon where the guy has a singing frog, but the frog won’t sing for anybody but him. Only I am my own frog. And I have seen myself sing. I know I can sing. But I can’t get myself to do it when it counts, when the right people are watching.

So tonight, again, king of anonymity.

9-10-04 – laugh lounge 8:40, 10:40 DEPORTED TO THE BRONX

Killed, both Latino sets at the Jack Daniels shows at the laugh lounge. It was very incredible and Jose was there. He had never seen me really do Latino crowd and enjoyed how they responded as if I were a preacher. The laughs were strong. The place was totally sold out, 127 people and they were turning away folks. Jose saw both shows and I tried a few new things differently in each. It’s funny to me how much they east-coast latinos, mostly Puerto Ricans, don’t have immigration issues as a reference point. They don’t relate to those issues at all. But I did get a laugh by saying that I had an uncle who got deported to the Bronx once.

The top ten list I did really worked well, esp. the second show and I got off on a huge laugh. I only wish, as always, that someone who counts and could actually do something for me, with me, based on that performance, had been there in the audience.

Jose was saying that after a while it was turning into something else beyond a comedy routine because of the way the people were responding with such fits of convulsive laughter.

9-8-04 – AUDITION – GENERIC LATINO WANTED

The only reason they called me for that audition today is because the character’s name is Hernandez and my name is Santiago and they figured close enough.

They knew nothing else about me.

Here’s an example of the script: a woman says to me (Hernandez), “I guess you secretly do have a big heart Hernandez.” And I say, “Not the only secret big thing I got.”

Not exactly Noel Coward.

Had a good swim today. Am in very good shape. Also took a salsa class, and apparently I’m not an intermediate, because I had my ass kicked in that class. And will have to go back and sign up for remedial.

9-4-04 NYC NEON GLOW OF UNOFFICIAL BROADWAY DEBUT - TOWN HALL

it feels good to get what you want. How long. God, how long, have I wanted to play on broadway, in a broadway theater. And Saturday, September 4, 2004, I can check that off my list.

It was my unofficial broadway debut, because I was an unannounced guest. But it was an absolute success and triumph. I was bnlliant. Not flawless but brilliant, and nearly flawless in front of anudience of about 1,200 at Town Hall, on 43rd @ 6th avenue, where I saw Jerry Seinfeld perform many years ago and long before he got his show.

And Jose was there and his wife Heidi. And My roommate Kathryn and Chris and cousin Quique stopped by and Titi Norma was there too up in the balcony with Mami. And they saw me blow that place open. I lucked out in the line up. And I said to myself, I mean I was only supposed to do five minutes. But I said, You know I am ready for these people and this is not one of those situations where you play by the rules; let the results justify the latitude you take with them. In other words, if I'm killing, I'm going to take my time up there and impress. And I ended up doing at least 15 and it was beautiful. There were applause breaks back to back throughout, which I have never experienced before and there was a roar of laughter, from the start.

But I mean how much more prepared could I have been? It was a political show for mother jones. I know the demographic. I've done this type of thing so many times. The theater actually seemed small to me, intimate. I was so comfortable. And I had wanted it so bad. And there I was. And it's happening and it's going. And when I got off it took me few walks around the block to come down, to gear down and power down.

It was a hell of feeling to leave the theater to applause and walk out into the neon glow of times square.

And it call came together so last-minute. I found out about the show a few days ago, called mother jones magazine, asked for the person in charge of producing the show, turns out to be an associate editor there.

I say, hi I'm bill santiago, san francisco comic. I see you are doing a
great show and I want to see about participating.

He says, well maybe we can get you free seats to see the show.

I said, no, really. I want to perform. I’ve performed with one of the comics on your bill many times and he'll vouch for me.

They said it's too late, all the publicity is out. The show's locked up, the
lineup is set. I said, I'm talking about coming on as an unannounced guest for five minutes (for free). I'll be good. Then I said I can email you a link so you can see my comedy central set, and I’ll send some press, and I'll have someone drop off a video of me doing an all-political set, at your offices in San Francisco within the hour.

He got it and called the next day to say they were all watching and laughing at the office and that I was on board.
I mean getting the thing was nearly as much of something to be proud of as having a good show the night of.

Didn't get a dime. But who cares. Good will come of this. And I would have paid to be on that stage.

Now all I can think about is getting to where I can do an actual run of my show on a stage like that to audiences like that, full houses every night! I can see it. I can do it. It's off in the future. But I taste it now.

7-27-04 TUESDAY – SF – PRIVATE LAP JOKE

Made some money out there in Minneapolis and now I will have to make some calls to creditors and have it sucked all out of my possession.

At ACME, when a woman in the audience said it was her birthday. I asked if the friend wanted to come back stage for a private lap joke. Stupid but effective and very fun line.

7-17-04, SUNDAY – MINNEAPOLIS – SANTIAGO PITCHES PERFECT GAME
MALL OF AMERICA – KNUCKLEHEADS

I connected so well and immediately realized this was a special opportunity to pull off “the perfect game”. There I was at the mall of America and getting away with some of my brightest stuff, angling it and arranging it and making it digestable without pushing it, without overselling it. With finesse! I had convinced them that I could do no wrong and that the next thing would be as funny as the last and you can sense that trust, like the kind you get from patiently waiting for a squirrel to eat from your hand day after day. They trusted me and I noticed that my voice was very comfortable I was cruising at a much lower volume and effort and it was much more intimate. I was trusting the mic and the amplification and that they were listening and that I knew what I was doing and that the material, the punchlines, the jokes, were all there and all were going to work. But with the politics I really put to use the lessons I learned at the club earlier this week. I did it by accident one time and repeated it every time afterwards including tonight. When I got to the politics, I asked the audience “where are my fellow Republicans at?” and the republicans in the audience raise their hands and cheer. And then I go, “I’m not really Republican. I just wanted to flush you guys out.” There’s a big laugh. I’ve turned the tables but I have also laid my cards on the table. I’ve let them know where I’m coming from and made a direct challenge to them but in a humorous way. We are already laughing about the fact that we are on different sides. And then I tell them, “well now this is where it’s going to get fun.” And we are kind of ready for a little mix up. And I am then duty-bound to take the republicans to task. And everybody knows where they stand and it’s fun. It really was. Now I also made it a point to dig into clinton too, as much as possible, and really get them laughing on this stuff before I did the joke about bush and religions. Win them over first on the fact that I can make them laugh at the political stuff and then jab them. Now the guy, this guy in a Mohawk, who had been laughing more than anyone in the whole crowd, the guy I considered my anchor laugher in the audience was the first to raise his hand on the republican question and he was sooo enthusiastic, like he was so happy that I was a republican too. And then I almost couldn’t look him in the eye, he looked so betrayed. But he started laughing again before long and then when I started moving out of the politics I asked him if we were cool again and how difficult it was for me to see him put his hand up. “It was like finding out I had to stab my mother. But I gotta do my job…” And we really got along well for the entire show and his name was Andrew and I bought him a beer after the show, and he said he loved it.

Plus had a nice skinny dip in the pool here at the condo tonight. I’m in a good mood.

6-15-04 – Standup NY – A SECOND I AM NOT WASTING

I show up and introduce myself to the MC. She says oh yea well sorry we’re not going to be able to get you on.

They’re cutting me and I was under the impression that I was closing the show. I have prepared. The place is packed. I invited Leah Arroyo, who is on her way, and I’m being scrapped without so much as a ‘we should have called you...’

They tell me sorry for the mixup but you still get paid. Like it’s about the $15! I came prepared to do a kickass political set. I rearranged everything in my schedule, honed the set. I called ahead of time to check reservations. I am ready to do this.

I said. This is a Political Show, right? The Organizer lady said, yes. I said, I am one of the best. If you’re doing a political show, and I’m here to do it, you lucked out.

I was calm but very assertive. I said if you don’t want to put me on fine, but it will be to the detriment of your show. And I finally the, “OK. You’re on – seven minutes.”

Now I’m thinking I better not fuck-up after that ‘you lucked out’ line, otherwise Bill “You lucked out” Santiago will never work this town again.

I hooked them in from the word go, they started paying attention, the laughs got bigger and bigger, the management came in to watch, the booker guy did at least. Leah is watching in the corner and so proud and this is an entirely different set from yesterday in the same club and I am gliding and transitioning so smoothly and then I remembered to end on the joke about the press conference and the Uniter not Divider joke and it killed, what a swell of laughter and I see the red light, and they let me go much much longer than I was supposed to and afterward a goddamn receiving line came by to thank me effusively. And for a second I felt like I am not wasting my life.

6-12-04 – NY AEROBIC NARCOLEPTIC

Puerto Rican day parade tomorrow. Must check that out. Also, I ran today. Was a good run, except that it was too early and since I went to bed at 6 a.m. all I could think about during the run was wanting to go back to sleep, it’s weird to be running and wanting to be sleeping while you’re running.

6-6-04 – comic strip – NIGHT IN DENTED ARMOR

comic strip. How unsatisfying. Maria in audience. Me on the gallows. It was that seedy sort of whorish feeling that I came away with.

6-4-04, Thursday – cellar – PROM KING

This was the prom show 3 a.m. – this one somehow went well. I did really well, brought the energy, connected, had fun, tried a few new or newer things and felt good about it, to be achieving anything at that hour.

Afterwards, Tim said that he really loved my stuff and complimented me further by saying that he learned something from me tonight by the way that I did not underestimate the crowd and gave them the benefit of the doubt and with some good results. I followed him that night. And he did well. I was happy.

6-1-04 – cellar – YEAH? HOW COME?

Did the Cellar. Again. And it went well. There were only a few people and it was tres late, but I had fun and connected and didn’t fumble the beginning and the couple up front, the guy said, out loud during my set, you’re the funniest one so far. How come they put you on at then end?

5-26-04 – cellar - SANS WALLET TO VIRGINIA

It was late and the MC said that the audience sucks but it was not the case for me. I got them on board so fast and held them and it was impressive esp. at that hour. I am getting the hang of it. Two good one’s in one week at the cellar.

Then I was going to take a 3:45 am bus to Virginia Beach for a gig memorial day weekend starting Thursday. Lots of shows. Three a night. I’m headlining, at the Ha Café down there and need the rent money.

I went and had a bit to eat, a chicken wrap. Tasty. It’s 3:30. I’m across from Port Authority. Ready to cross the street and buy my ticket. And then I go to get my wallet. Gone. I can’t find it. I’ve lost my wallet. I have lost it, can’t find it anywhere, am going to miss the bus and, I’m afraid, the entire gig. My credit cards, my atm card. I only have about five bucks cash in my pocket.

I had to take the A train bck up to my apt. 157th st., get in around 5 a.m. then got on the phone to call the credit companies, cancel. They of course pointed out that it wouldn’t have mattered, cause the cards are maxed out anyway. Found one credit card at home that was not in the wallet. Called to check the balance and it had $85 left on it and the ticket for Greyhound is $65. So I made it.

5-25-04 TAMMARA SAYS

Tammara said, she says, well, think of it as a puzzle, think of your career as a puzzle and you are still putting it together and that one particular club that I’m having a hard time with is just a piece and you still don’t know where it fits in, or maybe it doesn’t fit in and you have a piece from somebody else’s puzzle somehow.

And it helped.

6-2004
Subject: COMEDY ADVICE
here goes:
transcribe the act of any comic that you really like from a tape, word for word, and study the joke structure.
write yourself at least little every day.
find out what it is specifically about you as a comic that the audience relates to. that's your strongest voice and it becomes apparent over time.
remember how important it is to have the wait staff on your side. they often have a real voice in the club and some of them end up managing the clubs themselves eventually.
don't worry about the number of comedians. you need a pack to separate yourself from.
learn to get a laugh as soon as possible out of the gate. and remember that if the joke works at the top of your act, it will generally work anywhere else in the set. it helps to experiment alot with the set order so that you can find the best flow and not get in a rut.
get comfortable with the money issues as soon as possible. learn how much you are worth and don't be afraid to ask for it whenever there’s a paying gig.
don't worry too much about working for free either. you need any opportunity on stage to work your act.
always try out something new. one thing at least every time you up. a new line, delivery, twist, ending, a change in set order.
remember it's a conversational art and you have to create the illusion at least of a dialogue between you and the audience.
when you are ready, move to a town like san francisco, boston, NY, seattle, Austin, that has a pretty good comedy scene and get as much stage time there as possible.
learn to recover when your set is in trouble, have sure fire jokes ready to go that you can rely on in a tailspin.
one closing or opening line isn't enough ever. you need three or four if possible so that you have fail-safes.
doing shows outside of the club scene, in alternative spaces, really gives you the freedom to develop in ways you couldn't otherwise. working to club audiences only can be constricting.
have a mantra, a few words that you say to yourself right before you get on stage to put your mind in the right frame. whatever works for you. and generally only you should know what it is. that is, keep it a secret.
when you start working the road, do an internet search on comics you admire and target the clubs they are working at.
get a good tape. this is done by taping almost constantly.
remember no one club is going to make you or break you. there are plenty. so don't sweat it out too much if things don't pan out at any particular one.
above all steel yourself. learn how to deal with bad sets, nights, with rejection. it's not an easy thing to do, especially when the novelty wears off and it becomes your life and money becomes an issue. it can take a toll on your personal relationships mainly because you are away for such long periods of time.
after a bad set, always find a way to put it in perspective.
stay away from comedy classes because they really can make you sound mechanical and nothing can teach you like the trial and error of you live on stage.
try to get as many quality on-stage experiences as possible. the more good performances you have, the better feelings you'll have about it and the better you will do. So target rooms, and situations that you are comfortable in.
never ask anybody if you should be doing standup. you are the only one that can answer that question.
the business is all about building relationships. even the comics who may not be the best, will become huge stars and others will go on to write or produce or manage or own clubs and all this happens very fast so it's always favorable to you to maintain a good standing with everyone.
quick word about profanity. it's much more difficult to work clean and more of an accomplishment, i think, most times.
learn to follow anybody on stage. you have to be prepared to follow seinfeld if you have to.
and finally, please remind me of some this stuff once in a while. i often forget and could really use a word or two now and then to keep me on track.

5-2004 – NEW MEXICO CRASH SITE - ALIENS A LA PLANCHA

I slept outside the town of Roswell the night before and the sky through my car window, when i woke every once in a while to turn on the car for some heat, looked so much like i was cruising through the stars in my own spaceship that i could see how an alien might feel at home in a place like this. The town itself is completely dedicated to hyping the alien-ness of its cultural history with an entire main street dedicated to selling alien souvenirs, generic as they were appealing. even the hot dog girl had a huge blow-up alien strapped to her vending cart. i visited the museum and saw the highlight, which as three-dimensional wax figure display of the ‘alien on the gurney’ scene from a Roswell movie. Sounded to me like a menu item, gambas a la plancha, alien on a gurney.
Fell in love with all there is to New Mexico, aliens, the spiritual beauty of taos, shi shi santa fe, los alamos -- birthplace of atomic energy, billy the kid's old stomping grounds. Also i stayed one night in a town called truth or consequences, named after a game show back in the 50s. Judging from the residents, the town is more consequences than truth.

5-7-04 – Albuquerque – Headlining – ROADSIDE MEDITATION UP AHEAD

It’s been an excellent trip so far. The drive. Oh the drive, from LA, was trancelike and I did stop in the desert at one point and drove up into some red-rock area and clambered up a small hill and sat up there on the rock enjoying the wide wide expanse of the vista.

4-4-04 – Comic Strip – UNZIPPED KUDOS

So I’m in the bathroom and Lucien walks in and unzips at the urinal next to me and starts talking and I have to act natural and converse. And then he says to me that the show tomorrow is a black/Hispanic show. “But I don’t really think of you as a Hispanic comic,” he says. Which I know he means as a compliment, in the sense that I am not limited by the definition of the ethnicity.

But what’s weird is that when people say that, there’s the corollary implication that being thought of as Hispanic is a negative thing.

3-16-04 – LA – Sí TV taping, Wilshire Radisson – FUNNY FEELING ABOUT THIS

I am going to try and make the best of this but I have the overwhelming feeling that I have been duped into a mediocre situation, however willingly.

I heard some comics in the limo on the way over grumbling about how it’s a “paid” studio audience. That is, the audience is actually made of actors who are paid to be there and act like they get the jokes and act like they are laughing. and then the show is sweetened with fake laughter for the fake laughers later on.

3-14-04 – San Antonio – SUNDAY TRIUMPH BLUES

I was expecting a sleepy quirky tough little show. A fizzle. A dud. To go through the motions almost. But the Sunday show may have been the best of the week, possibly the whole two weeks here in Texas. It was smooth. I was confident. I was so in control. I milked the jokes, took my time, held them captive. It was raining today and so that brought in more folks and also Spring Break was in effect, so that brought in the younger crowd as well. and it was a sheer joy.

Must admit I’m a little lonely tonight, though.

3-12-04 –San Antonio – Riverwalk – PASSION OF CHRIST IN TEXAS

Guy says to me:“You next?” I said yes. “Is that your friend up there on stage? I hope you’re better than him.”

But anyway I go on and was having a great set, until a woman yells at me to stop talking politics, that I was funny up until this point.

So I start talking to her, I didn’t dig in right away. I asked her what she liked about the president, that I really wanted to know. And she said that he was a good and moral man, etc. And then she said that she loved him. And I said something about how if I had I retarded child I am sure that I would love him, but I still wouldn’t want him to be the pilot of the plane I was flying in.

And then we started talking about god, etc. We talked about The Passion of Christ, very funny -- she hadn’t seen it, all sorts of things. but she was really religious. And I said that I really liked her and that I was attracted to her, that I like conflict in a relationship, and that’s what I look for in a woman, incompatibility, etc.

And then the audience was totally enjoying it and then I said, wow, who would have thought this show would kick up like that at the end? Everyone’s laughing. And there was a whole barrage of back and forth comments between us. But the best line was when she said something that caught me off guard and I did an uncontrolled spit-take on the couple in the front row, on this one girl, specifically, and it was awkward and she flinched and was wiping it off. And the woman in the back I’ve been sparring with, Lisa, she shouts out, “he spit on you!”

And I said I didn’t spit on her. And then I paused for a second and thought, and said, “I baptized her.”

And I ended the show by saying to everyone: “don’t forget to say your prayers, go to church and vote for Bush.” I got off to great applause and there was a bit of a hero triumph in it. I had risen to an unforeseen challenge.


3-6-04 – Austin – Cap City, HEADLINING

RICH MILLER IN THE AUDIENCE

It was a miraculous night. I didn't fuck it up. It was a great opportunity and I seized it. It could not have worked out better. First show Sat. night, and so Rich Miller, who's one of the owners in the club and the booker who booked the gig here in Austin and San Antonio and has a whole mess of clubs, he's flown in to check on bizness and he's at the show tonight. Told me he would be when he bumped me up to headliner. So I know this and I am trying like crazy to be ready and basically am just staying holed up here in the hotel room going over my sets on audio tape and video and my notes and re-working my set and it paid off. It really couldn't have gone better, cause it was a pretty full house. Rich Miller picked me up himself at the hotel. I'd never met him. And he greeted me warmly (and he's so elusive and a hard nut to crack, not easily impressed) and said that he'd heard great things from the other managers, etc., about my work. And I'm thinking, well I better not fuck this all up tonight, please be a good crowd. And they were superb. There were some more sorority girls, but not 100 like last night and the crowd had a great mix of ages and a nice gender balance and they were in a great mood. there was a critical mass and a positive energy and I was still trying to figure out which way I should go with the opening. I was tempted to start in Spanish and decided not to because I know what Rich has heard that the writing was good and that it was bold material and smart and I didn't want his first impression to be, “oh, another ethnic act.” I did do Latino material, but threw it in later on after establishing myself. I actually opened up with religion then went into politics then women, love, gay marriage and I was off to an incredible start. Great great laughs from the very beginning and I settled in the groove and thought yes, yes, this is going well, enjoy it. You've caught that super wave during the competition. It's your night. I saw Rich in the back of the room. I felt him. I was doing it for him. Not being psyched out by the pressure but using it as